I should start with saying I am okay… now… But last week was an entirely different story. I thought about adding this question or topic into the post about what happened but I decided that it would be too long and complicated and I needed more time to think about this. I needed more time to figure things out because I don’t know if this is a language barrier, a cultural difference or just my point of view that is skewed. And I am going to try to explain my thoughts without sounding mean, aggressive or harsh, it is simply a question about what “okay” means.

So during Wednesday I both got a couple of messages and people at the hospital said “I’m Glad You’re Okay.” I know that this is said with all good intentions. But here is how a conversation or a message could turn out:

Friend: “How are you doing?”
Me: “I’m awake but I am very cold and I have a lot of pain in both arms and legs, still dizzy and nauseated”
Friend: “I’m sorry but I’m glad you’re okay”

As well on social media I said in a post that I am in a lot of pain, trying my best to move and I don’t have any painmeds or muscle relaxers to help me get through this. Over and over the replies was “I’m glad you’re okay.”

And the more I think about this, the more upset I get. Why do you answer with “I’m glad you’re okay” when I scream in my words that I am as far from okay that I can be! I am in so much pain in my head and extremities, I am dizzy and nauseated. What in that is okay???
Is it okay to be home alone in this condition, laying in bed and crying in pain with no help, or anyone to even check on you for three days? Well then I was okay. But that is not what okay means for me. I tried to crawl to the door to let the dogs out and go to the bathroom and then I crawled back. For two days I wondered why I had to go through this over and over again, why I couldn’t just be normal? Why am I always alone with everything… while everyone told me I was okay…

Are you glad that I’m alive? Is that what you mean? Are you glad that I am not hurt more? Are you glad that I am home, that I hopefully and probably will recover? That is more specific than “okay”…

I get that there is no way anyone can understand or realize what is going behind closed doors. But next time something happen to someone that is of a little more significant matter; think about if that person really feels “okay”. Because most likely that is not what they feel.

I wasn’t okay physically until Saturday afternoon after I had pushed myself on a walk to soften my muscles. Mentally… I am still going through all the why’s in my head. Trying to puzzle my memories together and figure out why it happened… again.

So my question is now; what do YOU mean when you tell someone “I’m glad you are okay?” As I said in the beginning… I am most likely the only one who thinks this way. But if I can get some kind of definition what okay means, I might be able to settle this with myself. Think about it yourself… what does “okay” mean for you?

I am not okay with you telling me that you are “glad I’m okay”; when both of us know that is not the truth.