Already A Year…

it’s a year ago one of the worst days of my life. The day my mom took her last breath and went to the Lord. The day i lost the person I’ve spent my entire life with, moved across the world with, shared laughters and cries with. The woman who was beside me whatever happened. The person who knew more about me than anyone.

It’s been a year of turns and rolls. I thought I was prepared to let mom go. I was not. And I am still not used to it.
She had been at Homeplace Hospice for two weeks when she passed so I had become used to her not being in the house but to not take the daily trip to see her was weird. So many times during this year that I thought “I wish mom…” But I also know that she is watching over me. I can often feel her presence. Her her laugh and her sighs. See her beautiful smile in front of me.

We have to put in our PTO request three weeks prior the day we want to be off. Three weeks ago I thought about doing it but changed my mind when I was reminded of how short staffed we are. I believed I would be strong enough to work today.
I was off Wednesday and Thursday. Those days were miserable. I probably cried more than I did the days after her passing. I couldn’t do anything without thinking of her and I started crying. Last night and this morning I regretted so bad that I didn’t take off. But it was too late. Decided that makeup was not going on today, I knew I would cry at least once. Thought that mom wouldn’t have wanted me to be home to cry. She wanted me to do what I love, which is work. And the day actually went better than I thought it would. Yes there was some tough moments but I kept it together pretty well after all.

All these memories coming on social media was almost harder than anything. But I also appreciated them. Something I regret today was that we didn’t have any celebration of life for mom. But at the time (and still) I believed that no one would be interested in coming to something like that, and on top of it, it was in the beginning of crazy COVID so it wasn’t possible anyway. Today I feel like mom’s life wasn’t appreciated with not having one. And that makes me sad…