I knew that today could be a little emotional. Tomorrow is our move anniversary, 12 years in Texas. This was one of mom’s favorite days. It was her dream to move back. She always wanted to do something special around this day. But today is 6 months since she passed away. She won’t be here tomorrow.

To lose a family member is hard. To lose a parent is harder. To lose a parent and be “left over” is unexplainable. I do have distant family on the other side of the world that I’ve not seen in many many years and some whom I’ve never even met. I have nobody here except my dogs. And unless you have been in THAT situation; no siblings, spouse or boy/girl-friend or kids, you really have no idea how it is to be alone. And I truly hope that nobody have to experience this feeling. I hope that if/when that day comes for you that you lose your parents that you have someone very close in your life. Someone that can give you a hug when you need it, someone that you don’t have to call for to be there.
Yes, I have friends but I can’t call people because I have to talk. I am strongly brought up with ‘don’t bother people with your problems or tears’ and that is very hard to just get out of your head. It is just to ‘suck it up, buttercup’.

I know that the first year is harder. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. This weekend all came at once. I had tried to mentally prepare myself as much as I could. I was kind of glad that I was scheduled to work so I could keep my mind busy a little bit at least. And I did pretty well at the beginning of the day, but then I was scrolling through Facebook and one of those memories popped up that was actually not a positive memory and actually unrelated to mom, but I lost it. There I was, in the truck trying to keep the tears away and this crap popped up. I was thankful that we didn’t have any calls and I could get out of the truck and hide. Didn’t want to bother my partner or the student we had with us. They didn’t know. I was surrounded by people, yet so alone. Wanted to hide. Go home. Cry in a corner. Needed a hug. Couldn’t do or get either. A call dropped. A deep breath, a prayer and wipe off the tears. The show must go on. Put into practice what my mom and grandma taught me already as a little girl… Suck it up, buttercup…

Finally the shift was over and I was in my own car. The tears came back. The loneliness hit hard.
I thought what would mom want me to cook for the anniversary. Pancakes. She loved when I made pancakes. I was going to make pancakes and make enough so the dogs could have some as well. I had everything I needed at home, including heavy whipped cream. She didn’t like that premade whipped cream. And it had to be vanilla in them!

They turned out almost perfect. Delicious. Shannon had her in her bed while Twix, BamBam and I was hunkered in the sofa eating our dinner. So grateful to have them. They knew I was sad and they really did everything in their power to comfort me!

They are absolutely the best! Honestly no idea of how I would make it through without them. I can always take them for a walk when I need to clear my head.

Tomorrow will be better. I hope I can get some sleep and then it’s one more day of work until I’m off for two days. It will be all good. Until next celebration.