2020 has been an awkward year. Not just for me but for the entire world. There was some things we didn’t know was coming… Covid19 and the “mask fashion” for once. But on a personal level, there was things that I knew was gonna happen, just didn’t know when… the passing of my mother. She entered the doors of heaven on May 14th. And with that said, the number 14 got a new meaning for me, every month thereafter.

I am not a new year resolution person but I have goals that I would like to achieve. My goal for this year was to be more grateful and to try to have a positive attitude to everything. Angle things from a negative thing to a positive. That is hard. Really damn hard. But it is possible.

Last shift at work, while having some downtime my mind started to spin. Never good. I realized that it was the 14th and 3 months since mom passed. BamBam was in the hospital, I was fighting several rounds of tachycardia that morning, feeling nauseous from the new medications and just not happy about that. A friend is still on ventilator in the hospital from Covid. I felt alone and just wanted to go home. It was one of those times when everything comes over you at once. I had closed the door to the EMT room and tears were streaming down my face. Still had 75% of the shift to go. I had to pull myself together before the tone dropped with another call. And I knew music was not gonna help this time. So I went on Google and looked for inspirational pictures and quotes. I had to read something positive to turn my mind around. One of the first pictures I saw was this

Yepp. It was talking to me. I have been dealing with these heart issues for 3 years now and I have come a long way. For goodness sake, I’ve been dead twice! How many people can say that? What was I expecting? That I was going to get a pacemaker and walk out of the hospital and not have anything from it? It takes time for the body to adjust after something like that and on top of that a little device in your body forcing your heart to tick. And compared to before I got the pacemaker… heck… the improvement is huge!!!

This was just what I was doing in that very moment. I tried, I fought for my happiness. I wanted to see something positive in the situation.

Mom’s death was anticipated. It sucks for me but for mom… she is able to breath in heaven. She doesn’t have any pain. She loved to dance, she can do that freely now. She is with her dog Razmus now and they are watching over me and the dogs! They will help BamBam and Shannon to get well. And yes, it sucks that BamBam had to be at the clinic but how blessed am I. I had worked a couple of overtime shifts and I had my stand by day so my last check was a little bit better than normal. Not what I intended to use that money for but I didn’t have to super panic over it all. And I have a vet’s office that understands my situation and have no problem to help, first of all with short notice and second of all, they would let me come and pick him up on a day they were actually closed!!!

I am a strong person, I am fully aware of that. Things that I have been through are not things that are easy explained. I would never hope for anyone to go through it. And it is not just the health issues. But my past is what has made me this strong. And I let myself have feelings and be down. I have moments like this now and then. I am human, not a superwoman. I cry. I laugh. I choose to stay positive. I have goals that I am focused on. I don’t put a timeframe on them because that will most likely be changed anyway. I am certainly not perfect. Far from. But if I can help, if I can inspire, if I can make you smile, if just for a second, my goal for that day is accomplished.

My life a couple of years ago, before my health issues started was a miserable hell. I am not going into details about it now, but my finances and living situation was horrible. I had no clue how I was going to get out of the situation. Didn’t feel like I had a purpose and I was just not good enough for anything. Mom’s health was also declining rapidly. But I look back at it today and I realize that going through that period of my life makes me so much stronger today. I come out to patients in a similar situations and while my partners and coworkers say “How can they live like that”, I silently to myself say “Been there, feel for them and I hope they soon will see the light at the end of the tunnel” and I keep every single one of them in my prayers. That period of time of my life taught me to not judge anyone what so ever!

When I got to this image it was like my inner voice said to me “suck it up buttercup”. I took a couple of deep breaths, wiped the tears away and made sure I looked decent. Some moments are rough and some are bright. That’s how life is. And I realized that was I was sitting and crying about and feeling pitiful for was nothing that I should shed tears over. That is just waste of much needed energy.

Mom is pain free, BamBam will be fine, I am not dying in this very moment, maybe I don’t feel that awesome but I don’t need a doctor right now. I can push through this. I have food I can eat when I get hungry, I have roof over my head, I have a job I love! And after all, I choose a positive attitude and happiness. And being open about it, maybe it can inspire someone else that is feeling down to look for some inspiration somewhere… and if you need someone to talk to, please reach out!